First of all, can I just give myself a proud pat on the shoulder for posting my fourth blog this January? I feel like I've finally found a way to make this writing thing feel like a regular thing; yay me! Don't pin me down on it though, it might just as well be that you won't be hearing from me at all in February..
So. Today's post will not be that upbeat I'm afraid. If you're not into that, please check out at the register down the hall and continue with your happy Monday. I will post this, no matter how pathetic and self-pitying this blog will become. Because sometimes life is not as bright as sunshine. Sometimes your heart feels heavy for no reason. Sometimes you just want to stay in bed. And that is totally fine. The songs don't say it without a reason; "It's okay not to be okay". Because you know what? Life is one hell of a bumpy ride. You will go up and down again, and the bump you're experiencing now, will probably not be the only one you will encounter in your life.
This month has been a series of frustration, loneliness and stress; January has not been treating me with warm hugs and kisses. As of two weeks, I'm not allowed to run -or at least I got the strong advice against it. Running is something I get a lot of happiness from, and not being able to do it without pain is saddening me immensely. Because of this ban on running, I have a lot of energy left in me. I tried swimming and going for walks, and today I even went to the gym to try out one of those ridiculous cross-trainers (those things that make you look like you're cross-country skiing.. without skis, snow, or nature) but nothing works as clarifying as running. With running I make my mind go silent. I need it to stop all the worrying and overthinking voices.
Together with these voices being more present than ever, I've had exams. Nothing makes me overthink things more than exams. Instead of studying, I will stalk all the men I know and have had some sort of interaction with in the couple of weeks, because maybe they are the one. After that, I will ponder and worry and overthink some more, about whether he'd like me and if I should start a conversation, or if I'm just being that annoying girl that's forcing herself onto him.. And this will bring me to the downwards spiral that is called self-reflection.
Don't get me wrong, I do love a good self-reflection. I think reflecting is the best way of learning about your mistakes and seeing what you can do better. But the thing I'm doing on days like these, is not constructive. It's downright destructive, to be honest. I find every downside, every flaw there is about me and paste them together, until I have this horrible jigsaw puzzle of me. Then I will scrutinize this puzzle to see what went wrong. I will doubt my intentions and overthink all my actions, and in the end I will just feel awful and tired and full of self-loathing.
But this will pass. Normally I will go to sleep and escape into my dreamworld. Then I will wake up and tell myself to put my shit together, because every fucking person has flaws and mine are not the worst in the world. Chocolate helps too, most of the time.
I actually don't quite know what I'm trying to tell you with this post, other than the fact that I sometimes feel down, too. And this is fine. It's human, it's natural. It means you care. And that bump in the road is not a Mount Everest you have to climb. It will pass. and then sometimes it will come back to you, just like those annoying traffic bumps on a school road. You just have to let go of the gas and roll over it. There's no need to use the break, just go over it slowly and steadily, and everyone will be fine. Take care of yourself, time will do the rest and before you know it you're on the highway again. At least, that's what I've been telling myself these past few days.
So yes, it's okay not to be okay. It's okay to worry about insignificant things, as long as they feel significant when you worry about them. It's okay to overthink. It's okay to feel bad about yourself. As long as you snap out of it after a while. And this while is not bound to a certain amount of time. It will not necessarily be on the same day, or after you've devoured that chocolate bar. It will happen when you're ready to love yourself again. And you will. Because you're stuck with yourself for the rest of your life; you are your favourite person.You are the one you're most in love with, no matter how frustrating those crushes are. You are the one. And let's be honest for a moment, you're pretty damn awesome, aren't you?
I'm having the weird feeling that "be true to who you are" is going to be the message of all my blogposts.. But, since I still don't know how to be true to myself, I will just continue saying it. Be true to who you are, with all your flaws and all your beauty. You're amazing.
Janeri xxxx
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