Impossible possibilities

Do you ever feel like you can’t keep up with life anymore? The feeling that you’re living the wrong life, that you made the wrong decision, that you have to change your ways in order to become happy again? I feel like I’ve given birth to a midlife crisis that came approximately 15 years too early. I don’t belong, feel left out and stressed. All the time. And I’m a person of exaggeration, but normally when this happens I’m able to pull myself out of the dark pit and into the sunlight pretty quickly. Not this time, though. I don’t know what’s happening, the only thing I know is that it’s not like me and I don’t like it. Sad thoughts are always present in my mind and worrying/pondering/overthinking is part of my daily routine, but this is not the way to go.

I’m sorry if this put you off, I’m not the bubbly funny girl of my previous posts today. I haven’t been that girl for quite some weeks now, to be honest. Things are not going the way I planned them, and I’m having a lot of trouble adjusting to this. I know I should just suck it up and deal with it, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. ‘Don’t worry so much, it will all work out.’ ‘Stop thinking about it, it will not make it better only worse.’ ‘Only two months left of this, just sit it out, you will be fiiiine.’ But in the meantime my mind is working overtime, I’m not sleeping well and the last time I was able to really relax without worrying or having to listen to loud music/watch series/surround myself with other distractions seems like ages ago. I was always able to enjoy the company of my own mind, me myself and I always got along fine. But now I feel like my personality is not one balanced person, but a couple in the middle of a heartbreaking divorce. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know. And I always know. I’m never this insecure about choices and my abilities. Always been good at school and always been “happy” with myself. But now I feel like I’m failing on every aspect of my life, and it sucks.

So yeah. Let me give a short explanation. My internship is not what I expected and I still haven’t found my calling here yet, even though I’ve been here for two months now and only have 1,5 month to go or something like that. Next to that there are my driving’s lessons, that are not going well either.. But then there’s running, which is going better again, and my friends are the nicest people in the world that I’ve been spending a lot of time with.

I never thought that feeling uneasy in my academic life would bring me so off-balance. I never thought too much about my academics, but that is probably because I never ever had problems with this. I’m smart. It sounds bigheaded when I state it like that, but I’ve always been treated like that and always lived up to that expectation of me. I’m younger than all my peers because I skipped a class, and still I’m part of the smart group in my year at uni. I study, sure. But it’s not that studying is the thing I live for.  But now I’m surrounded by people who feel so much more comfortable and sure about what they’re doing. It’s intimidating and I’m not used to being the person who does not know what to do. So yeah. Realizing that academics do more to you than you initially thought is quite hard, quite hard being an understatement.

I will be fine though, it’s not as if it’s the end of the world. It’s just that learning that you can’t always be good at something from the start, and that you’re not always part of the gifted people is hard to adjust to when you’ve never experienced something like it in the 20 years you’ve been alive. Or at least, I think that’s the thing that’s bothering me so much. I feel like I’m letting myself down by not performing well. But, when I think about it, when is doing the best you can not enough? You simply can’t feel that way about yourself. I won’t be doing better than the best I can, will I? It’s simply not possible. So why do I feel this shitty about myself, why do I feel like I can do better? Argh, being a human being is fucking hard, let’s just put it that way. You get through it and once you are through it you can’t believe the stress you’ve been through because ‘it’s wasn’t that big of a deal after all.’ So let me just wait till that moment arrives and I can laugh about this post. In the meantime, I’d love to hear if you’re going through stuff like this as well from time to time, and how do you deal with it? Take more time for yourself, or distract yourself from you by hanging out with friends? (that’s what I’ve been doing I guess..)

Until next time, stay true to who you are (even if you’re not really sure who that is..) you’re great. xxxxxxxxx

Monthly Monday: February

Yes, it's that time of the month again. You must have thought that I wouldn't stick to this monthly thing, but if you think about it for a bit, you'll realize that today is technically the first Monday of the month- hurrah for leap years! So let's get going and look at all the exiting things February brought me!

Monthly Monday: January

Oh yes, we're going to try this again. I can almost hear you think "A monthly thing, are you really going down that road again?" and no, I'm not making any promises this time. However, I thought it'd be nice to talk about the past week on every Monday of the new month, just so that I can look back one each month at the end of the year, instead of only remembering the most prominent events. So yes, Monthly Monday. Let's go!

Hold on, it's gonna be a bumpy ride

First of all, can I just give myself a proud pat on the shoulder for posting my fourth blog this January? I feel like I've finally found a way to make this writing thing feel like a regular thing; yay me! Don't pin me down on it though, it might just as well be that you won't be hearing from me at all in February..

So. Today's post will not be that upbeat I'm afraid. If you're not into that, please check out at the register down the hall and continue with your happy Monday. I will post this, no matter how pathetic and self-pitying this blog will become. Because sometimes life is not as bright as sunshine. Sometimes your heart feels heavy for no reason. Sometimes you just want to stay in bed. And that is totally fine. The songs don't say it without a reason; "It's okay not to be okay". Because you know what? Life is one hell of a bumpy ride. You will go up and down again, and the  bump you're experiencing now, will probably not be the only one you will encounter in your life.

Positivity: replacing Sorry for Thank You

Hello beautiful creature! How's 2016 treating you? I hope these two weeks have already given you a lot of happy moments and positive vibes. If not, I hope the next 50 weeks do. Either way, this post will hopefully bring you a bit more positivity, since I read something amazing on GOOD the other day [x] that I never thought of, but is so relevant to our society.

Antibiotics, more harm than good

How antimicrobial resistance will win if we don’t take action

Ever had a urinary tract, lung, ear or throat infection? I bet you have, and if you haven’t, you must have heard someone complain about having one. These infections are most commonly treated with antibiotics, and these treatments take quite some time to finish, resulting in a lot of moaning and sighing from the suffering patients. I do however hope that their general practitioner sternly told them to finish the whole course of treatment, even if the pain had subdued. I’d even vote for a health system in which antibiotic courses can only be taken in the hospital. But why am I so strict about antibiotic use?

HAPPY 2016!

2016. A new year. New promises, new challenges and above all, new chances. No matter how much you've screwed up last year, this year you can do better. You can be the better version of yourself.
Or at least, that's what the media is trying to tell you ;). For me, the beginning of a new year is always a bit anticlimactic. You count down with sky high anticipation, just to see the clock go for another of its eternal rounds. The world does not chance, your body is still your body and your thoughts are still your thoughts. You simply celebrate to be alive and go to bed late and drunk.

However, I do like the day after, when the whole year is right at your feet and you get to choose what you do with it. In the end, it is you who chooses how you live your life. The world keeps on going, you just have to make the best of it. I feel like I've said this in so many of these blogposts already, but you should do what you want. Be true to yourself. Call or message that person if you feel like it. I think I keep mentioning it, because I still find it really hard to follow my soul. I care a lot about what other people think of me, even if I know that it's no use. Because of this, I haven't done all the things I wanted to do in 2015. These are not world-changing events i missed out on, but just the little things. For example, there have been nights where I have eaten dinner alone, while I had actually preferred to have dinner with a friend. The mere thought of making someone else decide whether they feel like spending time with you, whether you are worth their time, frightened me so much that I just did not give them the opportunity. This is ridiculous of course, because if someone else would ask me to have dinner with them or to hang or to whatever, I would most possibly say yes, unless I have something else planned or just really not feel like it, It will never be because of personal reasons that I'd decline, and I'm sure a lot of people act the same way.

This is why this year, I want to care less. This will be my only resolution of this year. Care less, and do what you want to do, no matter what other people will think. If you want to dye your hair, dye your freaking hair! No one will think less of you, and if they do, they are pathetic for doing so. Meet up with those people you want to see again, write to those friends you miss and tell them you miss them. Go like Nike and just do it.

I hope your 2016 will be filled with joy and laughter, with love and adventure. You deserve the best, and above all, you deserve to be true to yourself. You are amazing.

Janeri xxx