Impossible possibilities

Do you ever feel like you can’t keep up with life anymore? The feeling that you’re living the wrong life, that you made the wrong decision, that you have to change your ways in order to become happy again? I feel like I’ve given birth to a midlife crisis that came approximately 15 years too early. I don’t belong, feel left out and stressed. All the time. And I’m a person of exaggeration, but normally when this happens I’m able to pull myself out of the dark pit and into the sunlight pretty quickly. Not this time, though. I don’t know what’s happening, the only thing I know is that it’s not like me and I don’t like it. Sad thoughts are always present in my mind and worrying/pondering/overthinking is part of my daily routine, but this is not the way to go.

I’m sorry if this put you off, I’m not the bubbly funny girl of my previous posts today. I haven’t been that girl for quite some weeks now, to be honest. Things are not going the way I planned them, and I’m having a lot of trouble adjusting to this. I know I should just suck it up and deal with it, but sometimes it’s easier said than done. ‘Don’t worry so much, it will all work out.’ ‘Stop thinking about it, it will not make it better only worse.’ ‘Only two months left of this, just sit it out, you will be fiiiine.’ But in the meantime my mind is working overtime, I’m not sleeping well and the last time I was able to really relax without worrying or having to listen to loud music/watch series/surround myself with other distractions seems like ages ago. I was always able to enjoy the company of my own mind, me myself and I always got along fine. But now I feel like my personality is not one balanced person, but a couple in the middle of a heartbreaking divorce. I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know. And I always know. I’m never this insecure about choices and my abilities. Always been good at school and always been “happy” with myself. But now I feel like I’m failing on every aspect of my life, and it sucks.

So yeah. Let me give a short explanation. My internship is not what I expected and I still haven’t found my calling here yet, even though I’ve been here for two months now and only have 1,5 month to go or something like that. Next to that there are my driving’s lessons, that are not going well either.. But then there’s running, which is going better again, and my friends are the nicest people in the world that I’ve been spending a lot of time with.

I never thought that feeling uneasy in my academic life would bring me so off-balance. I never thought too much about my academics, but that is probably because I never ever had problems with this. I’m smart. It sounds bigheaded when I state it like that, but I’ve always been treated like that and always lived up to that expectation of me. I’m younger than all my peers because I skipped a class, and still I’m part of the smart group in my year at uni. I study, sure. But it’s not that studying is the thing I live for.  But now I’m surrounded by people who feel so much more comfortable and sure about what they’re doing. It’s intimidating and I’m not used to being the person who does not know what to do. So yeah. Realizing that academics do more to you than you initially thought is quite hard, quite hard being an understatement.

I will be fine though, it’s not as if it’s the end of the world. It’s just that learning that you can’t always be good at something from the start, and that you’re not always part of the gifted people is hard to adjust to when you’ve never experienced something like it in the 20 years you’ve been alive. Or at least, I think that’s the thing that’s bothering me so much. I feel like I’m letting myself down by not performing well. But, when I think about it, when is doing the best you can not enough? You simply can’t feel that way about yourself. I won’t be doing better than the best I can, will I? It’s simply not possible. So why do I feel this shitty about myself, why do I feel like I can do better? Argh, being a human being is fucking hard, let’s just put it that way. You get through it and once you are through it you can’t believe the stress you’ve been through because ‘it’s wasn’t that big of a deal after all.’ So let me just wait till that moment arrives and I can laugh about this post. In the meantime, I’d love to hear if you’re going through stuff like this as well from time to time, and how do you deal with it? Take more time for yourself, or distract yourself from you by hanging out with friends? (that’s what I’ve been doing I guess..)

Until next time, stay true to who you are (even if you’re not really sure who that is..) you’re great. xxxxxxxxx